This is the 3rd piece in a series of 5 and a reflection after a video I watched from Matthew Kelly’s “Best Lent Ever” series.
My entire life I have tried to be what society would call “successful.” I wound up in a job with a big paycheck that had me on the road so much I felt alone, and doing work that left me stressed out and unfulfilled.
I was engaged and one month from the wedding trying to find a out because when I really listened to myself I knew I was getting married because that’s what everyone was telling me to do, not because it’s what I wanted.
I almost destroyed a relationship with the man God made for me because I was pushing too hard to get to that next step. Thank God he called for a break so I could get my head on straight, get society off my back, and let us do things on our own time.
More recently, I found myself overwhelmed because I’d said yes to too many things and too many people. I didn’t want to “miss out” and I wanted to achieve. But I missed my husband, I missed investing time in people I really cared about and causes that really meant something to me. Most importantly, I realized I wasn’t taking time to listen, discover, and just enjoy life.
Money, achieving, and being “at the top” were my gods. I wasn’t listening all to God. Stress was high, I felt inauthentic and resentful. There were times I suffered physically because of the stress, or I was so insecure that if I missed a day at the gym I lost my mind. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was drinking too much, and seeking fulfillment in all the wrong places.
Sure, I was in control and choosing what I “wanted,” but at what cost?
This past year, I was determined to slow down. To re-establish my relationship with God. To take time to listen and discover. What’s amazing to me is no matter how fast I’ve run away from God, or how hard I’ve pushed Him away, he continues to pursue me.
I started writing again. Thoughts, feelings, my own story. It has been painful at times, but so enlightening. Writing is such a powerful tool to heal. Next step, gathering in faith…back to church 🙂
The best part of all this has been the peace I feel. I let “Jesus take the wheel…” literally. For a control freak, that was a huge step! It has lifted this weight from my shoulders. And instead of the pressure to choose and control each moment, I have the opportunity to joyfully discover His will and His way. I wake up excited in anticipation of what the day will bring, and enjoy even the very small moments that make life so special.