Staying Alive in This Life

A multi-faceted identity. An identity rooted in something beyond what changes or falls apart.

This is something great leaders and the best of humanity have in common.

When our identity is this expansive, we have the opportunity to stay rooted in times of chaos, and the strength and resources to stay grounded in our values instead of slipping into fear.

In my practice I get to work with some incredible leaders. All have been very successful in their careers.

I’ve come to realize that the intensity of the ups and downs we face together on our journey have a direct correlation with how they think about the makeup of their identity…what makes them who they are.

To clarify, I meet many people who are unbothered by their life and work meaning their level of care is low or they have fallen into apathy. As I have written before, I think this is the great danger facing our society…when we lose our ability or willingness to wrestle with the important things of life, and give up or succumb to numbing out and reacting to things around us.

I have been in this place and likely will be again along my own life and leadership journey. You will know you are in this space when things lose their meaning, and when you can no longer feel much of anything (joy, sadness, anger). This is a signal you have fallen into apathy.

The leaders I work with are alive with purpose and meaning. Sometimes so much so that the intensity of what is happening feels overwhelming. These are people I love to work with. To support them in acquiring the coping skills to stay rooted in chaos and stay grounded in their values, even and especially when the world around them is in opposition or things begin to fall apart.

There is a Howard Thurman quote I heard in the fall of last year that I now have on my bathroom mirror that says, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Being alive is a hard fought battle. Being alive takes so much courage.

These days it’s so much easier to simply shut down or give up. So much of how we define ourselves is in turmoil, or even breaking down. So much of what we once found security or stability in is no longer secure or stable.

I often find myself asking the question, “What can I count on anymore?” And instead of despairing about that question, I am getting curious about it.

Instability is our greatest opportunity for growth…and we have so many opportunities right now.

From an identity perspective, we have an opportunity to look beyond what we have traditionally relied on to identify who we are and what value we bring.

Those leaders I admire most have done this deep inner work considering questions like:

• Who am I beyond the titles and labels?
• Who would I be if I lost everything?
• What words do I want people to use to describe me when I’m not around?
• What will matter at the end of my life?

So many of us root our identity in parts of our life and achievements that are at risk of changing or falling apart: working a particular job or at a specific place, having a certain title, being financially successful, being a parent, being married, being healthy, being beautiful.

It is right and healthy and good to have goals. It is when we become consumed by the pursuit of them at the cost of anything else, or so fixated on a particular outcome or way of being seen that things get dangerous.

In that space we make our identity too small and vulnerable. In that space we are forced to try to control things. In that space we act and react from a place of fear. In that space we can start to use our power in ways that are divisive and desperate. In that space we also lose sight of the myriad of possibilities that always lay before us.

Several of my clients come to me when they are in the midst of an identity crisis. Something significant has changed or is in the midst of changing: job changes, health changes, transitions at home, etc. A part of their identity is shifting dramatically or even being lost.

We go through many of these in our lifetime and each is an opportunity to shut down and fight to maintain what has been, or to open up to new possibilities and expand our sense of identity.

I am always looking to help people consider what more they are and what more they can offer. To learn to surrender and accept things that have been, so they can let those go and start to consider new options and opportunities.

The possibilities for these high integrity, high value, high performing leaders is endless…but when things happen outside of their control or not on their own terms, they lose their sense of security, confidence, and power.

They lose sight of how amazing they are and how much agency they have.

This is the dark tunnel that each of us must walk through to learn the skills to expand our identity. We must find new ways of thinking and being, new ways to cope.

If you feel lost or frustrated today, I’m sorry because I know how uncomfortable that is. I also want to offer you a congratulations because you have an incredible opportunity in front of you. Go back to those core questions I offered above. Seek the support of trusted people to help you see beyond who you are and what you know.

Expand your possibilities and your identity. The best leaders among us care deeply about who they are and what they do each day, and they have learned to surrender what they cannot control.

In our 20s and 30s we are forming our identity. We are proving ourself to the world. We are putting on labels and titles. We are acquiring accolades. Most of us stay stuck in that “mode” of being and doing.

In our 40s and 50s most of us feel an unraveling. Things start to feel uncomfortable. What satisfied us before no longer serves us. We start to consider bigger and deeper questions about life and about who we are.

Most of us fight off and kill this great opportunity of awakening that is a very natural and helpful part of life. We double down on the boxes we have put ourselves in and the labels we have assigned…and for most of us, this is where the light gets dim, meaning falls away, and our spirit starts to die.

We react our way through the rest of our lives only to realize at the end we could have and wish we would have done things differently.

A few of us choose a duality that is tough to live into: We are excellent at what we do and how we contribute and we are so much more. We develop a multifaceted identity that continues to grow and expand.

Any even smaller number surrender it all to be free to the only part of our identity that cannot be moved, shaken, or taken: We are a child of God.

I hope you will have the courage to expand your identity. I hope you will be brave enough to be alive in this one life you have to live. The world needs you more than ever.