Growing Pains

I’m not who I was and not yet who I’ll be. I am.
Messy + Clear + Open + Determined + Struggling + Peaceful

Oscillating and vacillating. Knowing and not knowing. Certain and unsure. Free and terrified.
Like a balloon floating around with no anchor in the highest heights wondering if I will find the ground again. Letting go of all that has been.

In the wake I’ve left people surprised, frustrated, and disappointed by my changing plans and new expectations.

I understand why people stay stuck, and seek comfort. This vulnerability, the exposure, the loneliness it is raw and intense.

Some days I think it would be easier to make myself small and live with my own displeasure and disappointment…but I know that place all too well, and I know that is a lie.

This path, the path of following my heart no matter what, is unnerving. But the more I take it, and become familiar with the experiences and the patterns, the more the fear transforms.

The not knowing turns into anticipation of what could be.
The loneliness turns into excitement about who I will meet.
The blind faith turns into self-assurance that I will figure it out.

Creating. Iterating. Disrupting. Destroying. Releasing.

This cycle strips away and builds up in ways that are hard to put into words. Growing pains.