It’s been a few weeks since I left the security and safety of a regular paycheck to pursue a dream. Still not sure what that dream looks like, I just keep praying that God gives me the strength and courage to take the next step, no matter how small, trust Him and enjoy the journey. In the solitude and silence I have felt it on my heart to share a series of letters. Some are written to myself now in the present, some to me in a moment in the past, and some to my friends who are in situations I can relate to.
These letters are an acknowledgement of the beauty and ugliness of humanity, the polarizing experiences, the uncertainty, and what keeps me grounded when I feel like I may float away…we are all in it together. Here we go!
To the One Who Doesn’t Know
What am I doing? Is this what I should be doing with my life? Am I really being the best person I can be? What does that even mean? What’s more important…being or doing? How can I balance both?
Are these questions consistently running through your head no matter what your age? No matter how wonderful or terrible life is? Sometimes louder than others?
The not knowing is stressful. And when did it get that way? Surprise and delight used to be my thing! Taking a chance, living on the edge. At one time I know I trusted God that it would all work out…like that night I was eating beans and rice all alone trying to scrape up rent and refusing to call my parents for help. Or the day I moved out of an abusive relationship in a town I didn’t know anyone feeling like everyone saw this coming but me. In those moments, I chose to turn to God. I thought He was the only one who wouldn’t judge and the only one who could show me what the next right step would be.
Oddly, I felt a peaceful inclination that things would work out.
Here I sit, with big questions, but void of a desperate situation, and I don’t think to turn to Him or event to trust Him. I gather all the data points I can, but what about the silence and solitude to hear His voice and his plan?
What if I did? Stop trying so hard to figure it out on my own, and start asking Him to help. Listen for answers. Maybe it would allow me some relief. To be grateful that I have these options, and to enjoy this moment and journey. So…I’m leaning in.
I’ll spend more time sitting in silence asking what to do with these big questions. Writing down what comes to me, no matter what it is, and even…no especially if it doesn’t align exactly with what my future vision looks like. I will listen, pray, think, be grateful, surrender, and enjoy. Somewhere it will become clear what the next right step should be. Thank God for that.