Everything Is Out of Control…and I Think I Like It

What if the surprises in life (the good and the bad) aren’t intended to be a distraction from the path, but they are the path? How much of life have I missed? How many lessons have I let slip away when I was in the moment to learn? What if instead of trying to control, resist or change any of it, I am simply being called to be in it…to surrender, accept and trust?

A few weeks ago on an incredible trip with my husband for my 40th birthday, I severely injured my knee hiking on our last full day. Surprise! Everything instantly seemed out of control.

The moment the injury occurred, I had a choice: I could let this define and ruin this hike, and even our entire trip, or allow this to be a small part of a very beautiful and joy-filled experience. I sat there allowing myself to feel scared, frustrated and even angry and I just breathed through it. I chose to surrendered, accepted and released that we wouldn’t get to finish the hike. I surrendered, accepted and released that I wouldn’t know what was wrong and would have to hike out two miles. After a few minutes of processing, I was ready to hike out. It was tough, but I had a choice.

Later that evening I allowed myself to search and try to self-diagnose, but not let it consume me and ruin our evening. There were still things to see and do. We made our plan for the next day and the airport, and I worked to stay present in the moment and enjoy the moments and experiences we could before we left the island, as well as through the airport on the way home. Once again, things did not go as planned but I had a choice.

I got in to see a specialist and had an MRI confirm that, Surprise! You have completely torn your ACL. Surprise! You’ll need surgery. Surprise! You’ll have to rearrange your month. Surprise! You can’t work out and rely on some of your routines. Surprise! Your brain won’t work well post surgery. Surprise! You’ll be tired after just getting up to shower. Surprise! Going this slow is going to be challenging. And on and on.

And amid all these challenging surprises, there were others like:

Surprise! You have many people who love you and want to help. Surprise! Your husband is an amazing caregiver. Surprise! Your husband and business partner threw you a birthday party and a whole bunch of people showed up. Surprise! You have time to sit on the porch and read and book and listen to the birds. Surprise! You actually like being taken care of. And on and on.

I won’t go so far to say that I am glad that injury and surgery occurred, but I will not deny that I am so grateful for the lessons I am learning in the midst of it. God is really strengthening my faith, refining my soul and liberating me from things I needed to be free of…like that desperate desire for control.

“Everything is under control” and “I’ve got it” used to be phrases I was proud to hang my hat on, things I became known for. The Rescuer. The Protector. The one you can always count on to get the job done. I was proud to carry the literal weight of the world on my shoulders. Take on everyone’s problems and fix, fix, fix. My ego loved the power and accolades that came along with this role I played, and the control in it all kept me feeling safe.

This disposition served me well in school and in my career. Always taking on extra assignments and responsibilities. Helping others. Being applauded and rewarded for the extra hours and effort.

Looking back, I believe I continued down this path of control because of the external rewards I was given: status, money, accolades, more power, etc. All the while, behind closed doors and in my heart I felt empty and desired something more.

A few years ago my word of the year was surrender, and that’s really when this letting go of control journey started. I remember different times along this path feeling like I was completely losing my identity. The only way I could describe it was feeling as if I were an untethered balloon floating around somewhere in the sky…desperately hoping I would find the ground again. The questions circling around my head were things like:

• How can I be someone others can rely on if I let go of control?
• How can I fulfill my goals and dreams if I let go of control?
• What will happen to my passion and drive if I let go of control?

The beauty of what has happened is:

(1) I have more clarity on what is actually within my control, and where I can put my energy. I don’t need to rescue and protect people , because it’s not my responsibility to fix or change anyone…just to be there. (This is something I continue to work on daily because it’s a huge pattern I habitually fall back into based on my lived experience)

(2) Choosing the path of surrender vs. control has put a microscope on my own needs and desires and revealed to me all the ways and times I was people pleasing and not showing up well for others, even though I was showing up. Now I can show up whole heartedly, compassionately, and authentically in the spaces I truly feel called to instead of spreading myself too thin and simply checking the box to show up at a surface level.

(3) The quality of my relationships and everyday interactions has gone up significantly, because I have more time in the day for the most important tasks and people.

(4) I have just as much passion and drive, maybe even more, but I don’t hold onto the emotions and outcomes so tightly. When things don’t turn out as I hoped, I process, learn and intentionally choose a next step without all the emotional baggage I had carried (believing I’m a failure, wishing it were different, etc.). I bring my energy back to what I can control and see new paths forward by accepting what is and reconsidering what could be.

(5) I achieve even bigger dreams and desires because I am flexible about how I get there and I allow those dreams and goals to evolve as I and the world around me does. Without that adaptability and flexibility, those goals and dreams were becoming irrelevant and stagnant and I wasn’t realizing all the other (often better) goals and dreams I could pursue as I and the world around me changed.

Liberation is my word of 2024, and it is leading me into a whole new way of being…not in the way I had excepted…but in a more deep, true and meaningful way that I know is going to stick. These last few months has been full of unexpected surprises. Choosing acceptance over resistance, and surrender over control has been so liberating. It’s also brought excitement and joy to the process of living, leading and working.

Why was I trying to control it all? What delightful surprises and meaningful lessons did I miss while I was in resistance?

Surprise and surrender seems like a much better path than control and resistance. God’s got me, I simply have to trust Him. Everything is out of control…and I think I like it.